Zen, DeNile Is Not Just a River in Egypt, Jesus, and the Grateful Dead

“Everything is as it should be, it cannot be otherwise.” This is a Zen quote as my memory serves me.

I love this quote from the excellent movie, “The Last Samurai” with the great actors Tom Cruz (Algren) and Ken Watanabe (Katsumoto). . Earlier in the film Katsumoto and Algren had a conversation in Katsumoto’s garden as Katsumoto was meditating and enjoying a cherry tree in full blossom. Katsumoto said to Algren, “The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life.”

There is a beautiful seen near the end of the film as the Samurai warrior Katsumoto lay dying with the seriously injured Algren on the last field of battle between the Samurai warriors and the Emperor’s soldiers. Katsumoto said to Algren with his dying breath and staring at the cherry blossoms, “Perfect... They are all... perfect... “

I want to let you all know that you are perfect as you are and I am blessed to know you perfect beings. Oh yeah, I am not dying. With your love I’ll enjoy your perfection for another 50 years or so.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Yesterday was a good day for me. I had been having headaches since my bicycle wreck on June 10, 2007. I believed the headaches were caused by stress and thinking too hard. I have never suffered from headaches except for bouts with caffeine withdrawals, and hangovers from when I was younger and I did not love my body as much as I do now. Fortunately I love my job as a senior programmer with a great company and I was able to relax into the complex work and avoid headaches. S*, R*, D*, M*, A*, B*, T* and J* are great mentors so if I get stuck after giving it “the old, college try”. I am and not hesitant to bounce ideas off these brilliant people after I have done my due diligence. My work team rocks!

Opening up bills did give me angst and intense headaches. I, being the stoic, manly, man, I can be, attributed my sometimes intense headaches as stress related headaches and my change of living situation at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of 2007 I went from living in a loving family situation to living in my home in McKenzie Bridge, on an acre, on top of a mountain with nothing but my two German Shepherd Dogs for company. The fact that I live 44 miles from my garage to the nearest, lighted, traffic signal did not bode well for me to share my life with another beautiful human. I wanted to believe I had psychological issues to work through because the thought of actually having an organic brain problem seemed unlikely to me and much harder to deal with than a psychological problem. I can choose what I think about which will dictate my emotions. I can figure out how to deal with these headaches I told myself.

And I could deal with many of the headaches and unwanted thoughts. If I had an unwanted thought I would say a mantra I developed, “I love you Taylor. I love you Jordan. Soften the face.” My love for my two daughters Taylor and Jordan is so very powerful that all other thoughts are obliterated by blissful feelings of these two perfect beings. “Soften the face” is something my Anusara Yoga teachers remind us students to do in yoga class when we are doing postures (asana). This mantra did not work for me while opening up bills and especially medical bills. Most of my bills are automatically paid on-line or I have accounts securely set up. Thank you April for setting up my on-line banking and gently teaching me how to use it. You rock!

The past few days I weeded through a mountain of bills, mail, and junk mail. I had no headaches and I actually feel more at peace at where I stand with my creditors which are mostly medical professionals and institutions. Every late charge I have incurred has been forgiven by every creditor I talked to. The tally of forgiveness is at least five so far. These nice people have kept a customer and I will refer friends to them.

I did not want to, but I played “the brain cancer card”. The Grateful Dead on their most excellent Album, “American Beauty”, wrote a gorgeous lyric in the song, “Truckin’”;

Truckin’, like the do-dah man.
Once told me, “You’ve got to play your hand.”
Sometimes the cards ain’t worth a dime, if you don’t lay them down.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Jesus.

I have realized great peace by forgiving everyone that has ever trespassed against me all the way back to my earliest memories of childhood. This includes those beings that were in a very, human, self centered, place. I have also forgiven myself for everything that I am not particularly proud of or, if given what I know now, would have behaved differently, made different decisions, or said kinder, more loving words. I truly see the beautiful, divine spirit in everyone but I’ll admit the beautiful spirit is much easier to see in some humans than in others. Out of respect for my father and others, I’ll shy away from politics for now as to not offend anyone with my examples of people I have to look very, very, hard at to see their divine spirit.

Joan, a family friend, cooked us a nice meal yesterday evening. The act of kindness was so helpful for me and my folks. I have been such an infant after brain surgery and I have been running my folks ragged. I affectionately refer to Mom as “Fetch” and Dad as “Carry”. I referred to my younger brother Jeff as “Carry 2”. Jeff dropped his life in New Zealand and jumped on a jet plane to Oregon immediately after hearing I was laying in Sacred Heart Medical Center with a brain tumor bigger than an extra large, chicken egg in my skull. I am very grateful for the love and support of my family, friends, community, and most excellent health care providers and staff. My folks dropped their full lives immediately in California as well as my younger Mike. I am very proud of my younger brother Mike and his achievements and recognition of being the Karaoke Jockey (KJ) of the best Karaoke show in Sacramento, California for something like three years in a row. Mike missed something like three of his Karaoke shows and had to take time off of work. I am very grateful for the love and support of my family. My family rocks!

We were blessed to stay at my good friend April’s beautiful, home while she was away for a week on a business trip to Chicago. I live an hour away from town up the McKenzie River in “God’s Country”, McKenzie Bridge. April’s generosity was a huge blessing. I had physician follow ups to do in Eugene and Springfield that my mother and most excellent patient advocate expertly navigated through the labyrinth of Physician Offices. I happened to have failed to get an appointment with one of my physician’s due to newly trained staff but my mother, very Jack Russell Terrier like, doggedly made the system work.

I have to let you know, the Willamette Valley Cancer Center (WVCC) rocks! How easy it is to work with them. They have taken care of everything and slid me into the University of San Francisco clinical trial for glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) easier than I gracefully, flow down the fast, smooth sections of the King’s Castle trail on my most excellent, 2007, Santa Cruz Blur XC with all Shimano XTR components or better. I live a warm up ride away from this most excellent trail from my home in McKenzie Bridge. But I digress with verbosity. Please forgive me as I have forgiven myself. The skill, professionalism, efficiency, kindness, niceness, and goodness of WVCC have given me great comfort, confidence and peace.

I also was blessed to play the roll of male parental figure with my two, beautiful, loving, kind, caring, talented, intelligent, athletic, graceful, semi-adopted, daughters the week after my week’s stay in Sacred Heart Medical Center. I was blessed to help parent these two wonderful beings for nearly 5 years. I was privileged to sign Taylor’s progress report on Wednesday. It was bliss to acknowledge that Taylor is on the honor roll again. Taylor is in the 8th grade and turns 14 today. Happy Birthday Taylor! Taylor personifies everything that is good, beautiful, and graceful in the world.

I was able to review Jordan’s homework and I was able to help teach Jordan on one tricky question. Jordan is 10 and in the fourth grade, an excellent student, brilliant athlete, and a graceful dancer. The homework assignment was asking the student to identify proper nouns. This particular question was written on two lines and the top line ended in “Washington D.C.” The line made a complete sentence and I found this to be very tricky and probably a little unfair for a fourth grader to handle. I asked Jordan to read the sentence to me aloud and sure enough, she ended the sentence at “Washington D.C.” Please note the period that is used to abbreviate the capitol of the United States of America. I gently and kindly explained the trickiness of the question and why and how I felt the question was tricky. I asked Jordan if she saw how the sentence wrapped to the line below. Jordan instantly saw that the rest of the sentence included the proper noun “Philadelphia, PA” and updated her homework. My girls rock!

My mother also walked Jordan to the bus stop every morning for me as I was still on crutches, taking things very easy by Dr.'s and mother's orders, and had not started physical therapy yet after my knee surgery. On Thursday we all went and watched Jordan receive her “Self Manager Award” at Mt. Vernon Elementary school in Springfield. Self Manager’s are student who are recognized as good examples of Mt. Vernon Elementary School’s values of “Respect, Responsibility, Safety, and Excelling”. I will elaborate on this ceremony in my story and a later post which will include the most excellent presentation from our most excellent, KEZI, local, TV News Anchor, Rick Dancer. Rick, your stylish rendition of “White Christmas” touched my soul and sent a tear of joy streaming down my left cheek. You rock self manager guy!

Be well,
Jack