Constipation Management, Ramalamadingdong, Next to Useless, GB

Stardate 200801122337

Aloha Friends and Family!

Last Thursday I was patiently waiting with breathless anticipation in the patient lounge of the Willamette Valley Cancer Center for my 15th radiant beam of healing energy. I was enjoying a cellular phone conversation with my beloved, younger brother, Iron Mike. One of my favorite radiation technologists, Lorin, swaggered up to me like John Wayne and handed me a yellow sheet of paper. On this sheet of paper in 24 point, Corbel font, bolded and centered on the top of the sheet were the words “Constipation Management”.

I lost it. I started laughing so hard I had to wipe the snot away from my face with my sleeve. OK, I did not get snotty but the word snot sounds funny to me. As Lorin and I swaggered past two of the pretty Willamette Valley Cancer Center office workers, I bit my tongue as to not embarrass these skilled and nice workers at what I was laughing at. Believe it or not, constipation management is snot funny to everyone.

Unfortunately the powerful, protective field, which I will call the solar plexus chakra, in the radiation room, which I lovingly call the tanning booth, killed my phone conversation with my brother. I suppose that is good news for my radiation technologists. If cell phone signals could get into the tanning booth, what could escape out? Perhaps super charged, nitrous injected, beams of radiation, that will rip through a skull like a hot knife through butter would escape out of the room and cause collateral damage to good, living tissue like my good friends at the Willamette Valley Cancer Center.

I have three words that have helped me regain my status as the most regular and consistent object in the universe next to the atomic clock located in Boulder Colorado:
ducosate sodium and exercise.

If you have ever felt, as many, many people do, that after you have evacuated, there is still something left, here is the reason:
The anal canal is UNSTRAIGHTENED when seated. Bowel evacuation when seated results frequently in OBSTRUCTIVE CONSTIPATION.


1Adopt a relaxed, FULL SQUAT POSTURE and the anal canal STRAIGHTENS.




This obviously can help constipation. Months later other health improvements can happen, due to your body being free of extra toxins. Also, bladder function may improve after several months because of an improved pelvic floor nerve supply. http://www.relfe.com/toilet_seat_constipation.html

Last week was a good week for me. I have been adopted until February 5, 2008 by two of the most wonderful people I have ever met. Mahatmas and Margareta Ramalamadingdong. M&M are two of the nicest, kindest, and fun people I know. Everyday we laugh. Mostly we laugh at my motorcycling, helmet less, crossbow antics but we laugh at other stuff I do as well. I have seen M&M laugh even without me being involved. I suppose they are laughing at something I said or did but perhaps there are other opportunities to laugh other than the stuff I do, say, or expel out of my human body?

I am doing my best not to make a mess and not to be useless. I am holding a strong position at “next to useless”. I suppose that makes me over qualified to be the Republican Candidate for the President of the United States in November 2008. If the current U.S. president is any indicator of Republican Presidential Qualifications, the Republican Candidate needs to be “worst than useless”. Perhaps the successful Republican Candidate needs to be even way, way, way, way worst than useless. Is it a coincidence my cancer is a gioblastoma or as the oncologists say, “A GB”?

Ooops! Gotta run.

Peace and Love

Jack Consistent

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain